Building Love That Lasts: What Sue Johnson Taught Us About Healthy Relationships

Relationships can feel like a rollercoaster: thrilling highs, gut-wrenching lows, and sometimes that awkward moment when you’re stuck upside-down wondering, “How did we get here?” My wife and I can both relate to this statement. We love each other deeply, yet we can still find ways to rationalize our choice to disconnect from time to time. As elusive as “healthy” relationships might seem, someone cracked the code and put it all into a wonderful book.

Sue Johnson, psychologist and author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, authored some groundbreaking research into attachment theory, helping couples understand that the real magic lies in the emotional bond formed between two people. With her insights and practical tools, you can transform your relationship into a steady, loving partnership that weathers anxiety, stress, and even trauma.

Our Emotional Bonds

We’ve all heard the cliché: “Communication is key!” But Sue Johnson challenges us to go deeper, noticing the importance the emotional bonds we form with loved ones. You might compare it to the Wi-Fi of relationships—when it’s strong, you feel connected, secure, and ready to take on the world. When it’s weak or glitchy? You might experience the frustration of relationship “buffering.”

Through Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Johnson emphasizes that healthy relationships aren’t just about managing conflicts or dividing labour equally among partners. They’re about creating a safe emotional space where both partners feel seen, heard, and cherished.

Seven Conversations to Strengthen Your Emotional Bond

In her book Hold Me Tight, Johnson outlines seven essential conversations that couples should master to deepen their emotional connection. Let’s break them down:

1. Recognizing the Demon Dialogues

We’ve all been there: having the same fight, on repeat, like a bad sitcom rerun. Johnson refers to these patterns “Demon Dialogues.” Maybe you’re stuck in the “Find the Bad Guy” blame game, or the dreaded “Protest Polka,” where one partner nags and the other shuts down.

Pro Tip: When you catch yourself in a Demon Dialogue, pause and name it. Then, work together to replace blame with curiosity. Ask yourselves, “What’s really going on beneath this argument?” or (my personal favourite) “Why might a good, reasonable person act like this?”

2. Finding Raw Spots

Sometimes a tiny comment hits like a ton of bricks. That’s because it pokes a “raw spot”—a tender, vulnerable, emotional wound from past experiences. We all have them, and it’s only a matter of time before one of those soft spots gets triggered.

Pro Tip: If your partner reacts strongly to something you said, stop and check in. Say, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. Can you help me understand what you’re feeling?”

3. Revisiting Rocky Moments

We all have those fights we wish we could undo. The real issue for couples is NOT that they get into conflict—it’s that they don’t know how to repair afterwards. Instead of letting the issue fester, Johnson suggests revisiting them with empathy and compassion.

Pro Tip: Start with, “I feel like we got stuck during that argument. Can we talk about what happened so we can both feel better?”

4. Holding Each Other Tight

This conversation is all about creating a secure base—an emotional bond where you can both feel safe and supported.

Pro Tip: Regularly ask each other, “What can I do to make you feel more loved and secure in our relationship?”

5. Forgiving Injuries

When your partner messes up (and they will, because we are all humans), forgiving isn’t about sweeping it under the rug. It’s about choosing to heal together. This requires risk and vulnerability, but is the only way to form a loving bond that can stand the test of time.\

Pro Tip: The injured partner should express their pain, and the other partner should validate it with empathy: “I see how much I hurt you, and I want to make it right.”

6. Bonding Through Touch

Physical touch isn’t just for date nights. It’s one of the core languages of connection. Cuddle, hold hands, or smooch in the kitchen—it all reinforces your emotional bond.

Pro Tip: Make time for affectionate touch every day. It doesn’t have to be elaborate; even a hug can work wonders.

7. Keeping Your Love Alive

The last conversation is about cherishing each other. Celebrate the little things, share your dreams, and always make time to connect.

Pro Tip: Schedule regular date nights—even if it’s just binge-watching your favorite show in matching pajamas.

Seek Therapy When Needed

Therapy isn’t just for relationships in trouble—it’s a proactive way to strengthen your bond. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), created by Sue Johnson and the heart of her book Hold Me Tight, focuses on the emotional bond between partners, helping them address deeper needs and fears. It’s great for resolving conflicts, healing past trauma, and building trust. EFT provides a safe space to express feelings and learn how to meet each other’s emotional needs. With a success rate of up to 75%, it’s one of the most effective forms of couples therapy. 

You don’t have to wait for a crisis to try therapy. Even happy couples can benefit by improving communication and deepening intimacy. Approach therapy as a team effort, not as a sign of failure. Think of it as a way to invest in the relationship you both deserve.

Why It’s Worth It

Building a healthy relationship isn’t always easy, but it’s worth every effort. When you and your partner prioritize emotional connection, you create a love that’s not just about surviving but thriving. So, I encourage you to start having those deep, meaningful conversations. With the right foundation, your relationship can weather any storm—and maybe even enjoy the ride.

Now… go hug your partner, laugh at your inside jokes, and remind each other why you fell in love.

Sue Johnson would be proud.