Narcissism Through the Lens of IFS Therapy: Compassion and Connection

The hottest topic these days when it comes to relationship issues is narcissism. This issue was hardly talked about up until a decade ago, when interest in narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) seemed to explode across the internet and social media platforms. In some ways, this has been a good thing. We are finally talking about and understanding the ways in which people have been belittled, manipulated, and harmed by others. On the other hand, I find the way narcissism is being talked about to be misleading—and actually contributing to the problem.

When we hear the word “narcissism,” many of us picture someone who is self-absorbed, arrogant, or manipulative. Narcissistic behaviour can indeed look like that on the surface, but when we dig deeper—especially from the perspective of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy—we begin to see a more complex story. One that is rooted in trauma, insecurity, and the longing for connection. IFS provides a compassionate framework to understand narcissism, and it also offers tools that friends and family can use to support healthier relationships with those who show narcissistic behaviours.

What is IFS Therapy?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is a form of psychotherapy that views the mind as a system of different “parts,” each with its own feelings, thoughts, and roles. These parts can be protective, reactive, or vulnerable, and they work together to manage our emotions and experiences. The goal of IFS is to foster an internal sense of harmony by understanding and healing wounded parts that have become stuck in defensive or reactive patterns.

In the context of narcissism, IFS sees narcissistic behaviours not as an identity but as a protective mechanism. People showing these behaviours often have parts of themselves that are defending against deep-rooted feelings of shame, fear, and worthlessness—emotions they may not even be consciously aware of.

Narcissism as a Protector

From the IFS perspective, narcissism is a defense system—a way to shield the more vulnerable parts of oneself from being hurt. This understanding is crucial because it shifts the narrative from judgmental labels like “selfish” or “manipulative” to a more compassionate stance. Narcissism, in this view, is an extreme protector part that steps in to keep the individual from feeling rejected or inadequate.

These individuals may have experienced significant trauma, emotional neglect, or unstable attachments early in life. As a result, they developed a part (or collection of parts) that seeks admiration, validation, and control to protect them from feeling unworthy. They may act grandiose or entitled, not because they truly believe they are superior, but because their internal world is filled with deep-seated pain and insecurity.

Narcissism and Relationships

For those in relationships with someone showing narcissistic behaviours, it can feel like walking on eggshells. Narcissistic individuals often become defensive when criticized and may struggle with empathy. This can make it challenging for family and friends, leading to feelings of stress, anxiety, and even depression. Narcissists may also struggle to connect emotionally, leaving those around them feeling invalidated or overlooked.

But here’s the thing: IFS encourages us to look beyond the behaviour and see the wounded parts that are driving it. Instead of focusing on the surface-level arrogance or selfishness, we’re invited to practice empathy and compassion for the pain and trauma these individuals are carrying inside.

Compassion Without Enabling

One of the biggest challenges for friends and family is finding the distinction between showing compassion and enabling unhealthy or destructive behaviour. It’s important to understand that while the narcissist’s protective parts are trying to keep them safe from their own internal pain, their actions can still cause harm to those around them.

IFS teaches us that we can have compassion without losing our boundaries. We can understand that someone’s narcissistic behaviour stems from their trauma and inner turmoil, but we don’t have to tolerate mistreatment. Healthy relationships require mutual respect, empathy, and understanding. If these elements are missing, it’s okay to set boundaries to protect your own emotional well-being.

Strategies for Supporting Someone with Narcissistic Behaviours

So, how can you support someone who shows narcissistic behaviours without losing yourself in the process? Here are some strategies rooted in empathy and self-care that can help you navigate these tricky dynamics:

1. Understand Their Trauma

Try to remember that narcissistic behaviours are often rooted in trauma and emotional pain. While this doesn’t excuse bad behaviour, it can help you shift from a judgmental perspective to a more compassionate one. By recognizing that their grandiosity or defensiveness is a way of protecting their vulnerable parts, you may find it easier to interact with them.

2. Maintain Your Boundaries

While it’s important to practice empathy, it’s equally important to protect your own mental health. Set clear boundaries to ensure that you are not enabling harmful behaviours or compromising your own needs. Narcissistic individuals may push back against boundaries, but it’s important to stay firm while remaining calm and compassionate.

For example, you could say something like, “I understand that you’re feeling upset, but I won’t engage in this conversation if you’re going to insult me.”

3. Avoid Confrontational Criticism

Narcissistic individuals tend to react poorly to criticism because it triggers their feelings of shame and unworthiness. Instead of confronting them in a harsh or judgmental way, try to approach difficult conversations with curiosity and a non-judgmental tone. Focus on how their behaviour makes you feel rather than accusing them of wrongdoing.

For instance, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could say, “I feel really unheard when we talk, and it’s hard for me to feel connected to you when that happens.”

4. Encourage Therapy (Especially IFS)

Therapy can be a powerful tool for individuals showing narcissistic behaviours, but they have to be willing to engage with it. IFS, in particular, offers a gentle, non-confrontational approach to exploring their inner world, which can help them access their more vulnerable parts without feeling attacked or judged. Encourage them to consider counselling or therapy but be aware that pushing too hard may trigger their defenses.

If they are open to it, IFS can help them recognize the protective parts that have been running the show and heal the wounded, traumatized parts beneath the surface.

5. Take Care of Your Own Mental Health

Being in a relationship with someone who shows narcissistic tendencies can be draining. The constant defensiveness, lack of empathy, and need for control can cause significant stress, anxiety, and even depression for those involved. It’s important to prioritize your own mental health by seeking therapy or counselling yourself if needed.

Therapy can help you process the emotional toll of the relationship, learn how to set healthy boundaries, and develop strategies for managing the stress and anxiety that may arise from dealing with a narcissist. Self-care is essential, and it’s okay to seek help for your own well-being.

Moving Forward with Compassion and Clarity

Narcissism is a complex issue, but from an IFS therapy perspective, it becomes easier to understand that these behaviours stem from unhealed trauma, fear, and insecurity. By shifting from a judgmental stance to one of empathy and compassion, we can create a space where healing is possible—for both the individual and those around them.

However, compassion doesn’t mean abandoning your own needs. Maintaining strong boundaries and seeking support through counselling and therapy are essential steps for anyone connected to a narcissistic individual. In the end, it’s about finding a balance between understanding their pain and taking care of your own mental health, ensuring that everyone involved can move toward healing and growth.