When Coping Skills Aren’t Enough…
I was sitting across the table from a friend of mine. With a caramel macchiato in his hand and a fanny pack around his waist, he spoke candidly about what he was going through. He opened up to me about all of the troubles in his life, how he was currently feeling very overwhelmed and underequipped to deal with everything. I listened carefully and he allowed me to explore with him what exactly was bothering him: shame, self-doubt, addiction, financial pressure… and the list went on.
A half-hour into our conversation, I offered a suggestion. “I wonder if it would help for you to talk with a someone about these things?”
“You mean, a ‘counsellor’? Heck no. I’ve tried that before and it didn’t work. They just gave me some dumb coping skills and sent me on my way.”
I could hear the frustration in his voice—indignant that I would even suggest such a stupid idea—but I could also sense his disappointment, thinking that all I could offer him was an option he had already tried and believed to be unhelpful. I offered him an apology for what had happened with the other counsellor, and I told him that it seemed to me that, although that therapist was probably knowledgeable, they didn’t do a very good job of finding out what he needed and adjusting their approach to suit his needs.
I then shared a bit about my approach to counselling—one that doesn’t focus so much on building coping skills, but instead focuses on addressing the root issues contributing to the problems a person is facing. This type of counselling sounded very different from what my friend had previously experienced, and it piqued his interest. He recognized that it wouldn’t work for me to be his counsellor, but he was open to me helping him find another counsellor that would have an approach that works for him.
We Need More than “Just” Coping Skills
I’ve had many conversations with friends, family, and clients that sound like this exchange at a coffee shop—and I wonder if you can relate?
I have some beef with counsellors and psychotherapists (ironic, I know… since I’m one of them). Some in this profession give too much weight to building coping skills, and not enough attention towards healing the issues a person is trying to cope with. When it comes to our mental health, developing coping skills can take up a lot of precious time and energy. It takes time to learn and integrate these practices into our life, let alone experience a sense of relief.
The truth is… most people need more than “just” coping skills to see improvement in their lives.
I operate with a simple principle for my health, and it translates into my work as a counsellor: don’t work at coping with the issue harder than you are willing to work to resolve it. In other words, don’t waste your time and energy getting a temporary fix, if you could instead experience true and lasting relief.
All this being said, I do recognize that coping skills promote self-efficacy (which is belief in our ability to produce the desired outcome—and in this case, the desired outcome is relief from emotional distress), and increased self-efficacy can improve our sense of wellbeing. As well, coping skills provide us with tools to survive times of crisis, when the opportunity to engage with deeper healing work is simply not possible.
(Full disclosure: I make sure that everyone who visits my counselling office has the coping skills they need to make it to their next appointment—so don’t misquote me or think that I’m suggesting we should ignore our immediate needs in favour of long-term goals.)
But I do hate that some therapists stop at this point and say, “Well, that’s good enough. There’s nothing more I can do.”
There Is So Much More for You!
If you’re reading this and think that all you can do is “cope” with the circumstances you are in, especially if that is what a counsellor has told you, I want to tell you that there is so much more for you! There is true and lasting healing from whatever you are experiencing. Don’t buy into the lie that you’re stuck this way. There is an opportunity to live an abundant and thriving life on the other side of whatever you’re facing—and I’m confident you can get there, with the right kind of care and support.
If you’re curious to know why I’m so confident, I’ve included just a few links to the research behind my approach to counselling:
If you’re interested in starting your healing journey, give us a call or send us an email. We’d be glad to help you figure out if our counsellors are the right fit for you, or we will be glad refer you to some counsellors we trust.
