When I was facilitating group programs, I focused lots of time and attention on relationships, communication, and of course—conflict.

I remember I started one particular session by asking the question, “Why do you think people fight or have conflict with others?” The room was silent until one of the men in the group piped up…

“Because it’s fun—and I like to win!”

Not everyone shares the same excitement about conflict (or winning arguments) as this gentleman did, but the truth is that we all need to find a way to get through moments of intense disagreement. Conflict is an inevitable part of being in human relationships. I’m not an anthropologist, but I’m sure that “since the dawn of time” people have found themselves disagreeing and fighting over various issues—big and small.

And if I’m being completely honest—I don’t like conflict very much. Conflict makes me uncomfortable, and I often do whatever I can to avoid it. However, as a happily married man, I’ve learned that you cannot avoid conflict for too long before it turns into a major issue… so, I’ve had to adapt. Over the years, I have grown in my skills and confidence dealing with conflict effectively. I still don’t like it—but I at least don’t hate it as much as I used to.

For those of you who are like me and don’t like conflict (I mean—really don’t like conflict), I want to share something with you that helped me become able to handle conflict situations better. It’s not “five easy steps” or some secret knowledge that came to me in a dream. It’s something that I gained from counselling, and something that I like to help my clients with too.

Hijacked by BIG Emotions

If you feel up for it, I want you to think of an experience of conflict you’ve had in the past. What emotions come up for you?

Regardless of the specific name we give to these emotions, they are often very intense. When big emotions—like the ones we experience in conflict situations—come flooding in, it is difficult for us to stay grounded in the present. We might lose control of our temper, or we might completely stop responding to the other person. It often feels like these emotions “hijack” the conversation and keep us from being able to think clearly or respond as we wish we would.

For me, as the emotional intensity would wear off, I’d find myself feeling discouraged and frustrated as I reflected on how I didn’t manage myself well, or how I just emotionally “shut down” during the conflict. Despite how hard I tried to do better the next time I was in a conflict, the same thing would happen.

These are the experiences that keep us from wanting to engage with conflict ever again—but it doesn’t have to go like this.

What’s Happening Inside?

Let’s start by looking at what’s going on during these intense moments of conflict. The emotions that hijack us are trying to do something really important: they are trying to keep us safe (physically, psychologically, and spiritually), and they are trying to help us satisfy our relational needs—which might be hard for you to believe if all you gain from conflict is emotional pain and relational disconnection. Although these emotions have good intentions, the way they go about “helping” is sometimes not very helpful.

Changing these cycles of reacting to emotions can take time, but a helpful tool used in many forms of therapy is self-talk. When we show gratitude and compassion towards these protective parts of us that are trying to help, their intensity often eases back. We can also remind these parts that we too have the goal of keeping ourselves safe, but we need them to stop interfering by taking over the situation with their intense emotions.

In other words: we are reminding the reactive parts of us that we are able to get through the intense emotions, if they will let us lead.

This might sound simplistic, and I don’t mean to make light of anyone’s struggles with overwhelming emotions—but it is amazing how powerful and effective speaking directly to these concerned protective parts can be.

My Story…

I’ll share a personal story for you to see what I mean.

Years ago, I had some very bad experiences with conflict. In those moments, I was legitimately unprepared and not able to manage myself. I was left feeling overwhelmed and deeply hurt. After these experiences, I often struggled to stay grounded during conflict. As the intensity of the conversation would increase, I would start to dissociate (or go numb) and not be able to think or speak clearly. Regardless of the number of books about conflict resolution I read, or the volume of skills I developed for managing conflict, this pattern continued and led me to avoid conflict even more than I had before.

I brought this concern of mine up to my therapist, and we worked together to figure out why I couldn’t access the skills I had developed whenever I was faced with conflict. It didn’t take long for us to realize that, although I had the skills necessary to successfully navigate conflict, and some part of me knew I had these skills, another protective part of me still believed that I couldn’t handle conflict without escaping through dissociation. To help this part of me feel like it didn’t need to hijack every conflict situation I was faced with for the rest of my life, my therapist and I worked on some self-talk that I could use to speak directly to this protective part whenever I was in conflict.

I wrote these simple self-talk sayings down in my phone:

It makes sense that you’re angry and hurt.

It also makes sense that you’re confused about why or how you are even in this situation.

Don’t worry… You are not alone.

You are more than equipped to make it through this conversation well.

Avoiding the conflict will hurt you even more.

You’ve got this!

You Can Do It Too!

Whenever I find myself in a difficult conversation, I read through this list and remind the protective parts of me that I will be okay—and they almost never hijack me anymore. You will want to create your own self-talk that connects with what you are experiencing. This is where working with a counsellor might really help!

Sure—I’m still human, I still don’t like conflict, and I don’t always handle conflict as well as I would like—but now I have a way to stay grounded.