How Do I Get My Teenager to “Like” Me? (Part 1)
This is “Part 1” of a two-part blog post. Part 2 can be found here.
These are some of the most common concerns I hear from parents of teenagers:
“My teenager hates me. I’ve tried everything, but nothing seems to be helping. In fact—I think I keep making things worse.”
“We used to be really close when they were younger, but now they seem to be pushing me away. It makes me feel like I’m an awful parent—like I’m doing something wrong, but I’m just trying to show them that I care.”
“They seem to be overwhelmed and struggling, but they won’t let me in to help. They spend most of their day at school, and then they are on their phone at home, so we never talk anymore. I know they are growing up and won’t always need me, but I don’t want to lose my relationship with them either.”
“How do I get them to ‘like’ me. Or at least—how do I get them to not hate me?”
From arguments, to eye rolling, to cold shoulders (and then the surprising “change of attitude” whenever they want to borrow the car)… parenting teenagers is a wild ride! I’ve had the privilege of helping numerous families navigate parenting challenges, and I’m confident in saying that even the best parents have their communication and relationship skills stretched to max capacity when their kids hit the teen years.
Thankfully, it’s not all bad, and there is lots you can do to make these years enjoyable for both you and your child! (otherwise… this would be a long two -part blog post about nothing)
For the parent in a hurry and just wanting a quick answer to this question, here is the bullet point version for how to get your teenager to “like” you again:
Stop hurrying.
Stop pushing.
Start paying attention.
Start letting go.
In this post, we’ll focus on the first two points.
Stop Hurrying
Ironic, right? The first point is intended to get the attention of the parent that just wanted to breeze through this article. If you keep trying to rush through life—and especially your relationship with your teenager—you will get nowhere.
One of the major issues for families these days is the speed at which they are trying to live their lives. Parents and kids are rushing to get out the door in the morning, then rushing to get to the next class or meeting, then rushing to eat their lunch (if they even have time for it), then rushing to get to volleyball practice, then rushing…and rushing…and more rushing.
For most people, all this rushing around (and the stress that goes along with it) puts us into self-preservation mode. And guess what—relationships do not thrive when we are barely taking care of ourselves. One of the first things we often cut to save space in our lives is relationships—or at least, the relationships we choose to keep lose depth and emotional connection. Interactions within the home become pragmatic and task oriented. The question of “How was your day at school?” becomes a waste of time to both the parent and the teenager, neither wanting to put any genuine effort into the interaction, afraid that they might need that energy for something else later in the day.
You might think I’m just making this stuff up, but Dr. David Elkind first wrote about this sort of thing in 1981 (yes—people have been studying this issue for over 40 years!). He wrote in his book, The Hurried Child:
“Basically, people under stress are not only self-centered, they also lack energy for dealing with issues apart from themselves. […] Such energy conservation, however, is really not ‘cost-beneficial,’ for in treating our children as symbols—in hurrying them—we harm them and, ultimately, ourselves.” (p. 28)
As parents, when we hurry ourselves, we speed up the whole family—whether we intend to or not. And when we speed up the family, we willingly sacrifice relationships with our partner and children.
If you want to start reestablishing connection with your teenager, you need to start by managing your own stress and slow down. There is no other way of getting around this. You can’t rush relationships.
Stop Pushing
When I’m working with parents, I always assume they have the best of intentions—and 99.99% of the time, they have amazing intentions behind what they are doing! But a common issue I see parents getting stuck on is trying to force or manipulate their kids into acting a certain way. There could be lots of motivations for choosing this parenting tactic, but often parents do it because they believe it will help their child in the long run—except this usually backfires.
Any person who feels like they are being forced to do something they don’t want to do will react in one of two ways:
Comply with the demands.
Fight back.
If your parenting goal is to simply have your child do whatever you say, I want you to rethink this. Although our hope is for people (especially our children) to listen to us out of love, fear is another strong motivation. The use of threats or other scare-tactics breaks down a child’s sense of self, making them believe that they are powerless to stand up for the things they believe in. Some parents think they have “won” when their child finally gives in and does whatever they asked, but is that really what you want for your child? We want to raise kids that know their own sense of power and worth because that leads them to make healthy and pro-social choices throughout their whole life—not just providing the parent with a short-term sense of relief or satisfaction.
The other way control and manipulation can go is towards fighting and aggression. When parents of teenagers try to control or manipulate their child (even with good intentions), the teenager rarely just goes along with the parents’ tyranny. They rebel. They yell. They slam doors. They sneak out. And sometimes, things go much worse.
I’m not advocating that parents give up control of their house or stop trying to set boundaries (I know… this is getting a bit nuanced and complicated). Yet, when parents make an effort to ease up on the threats and punishments, it’s amazing how the dynamics within the home can shift towards more positive outcomes.
When this happens, the relationship between the parent and teenager is no longer defined by the power struggle. Instead, the adult and “adult-in-making” can connect with each other on respectful terms that promote the autonomy of both persons.
In summary, stop the hurry, lower the stress, play the long-game, and respect the fact that your teenager doesn’t like being controlled or manipulated anymore than you do.
In the second part of this blog post where we’ll touch on the things parents of teenagers should start doing: start paying attention & start letting go.
If you or your family is struggling with conflict, tension, or out-of-control/extreme behaviour, please consider reaching out for a free consultation. I’d be glad to discuss with you our options for counselling services or make a referral to other trusted counsellors.
