How Do I Get My Teenager to “Like” Me? (Part 2)
This is “Part 2” of a two-part blog post. Part 1 can be found here.
Parenting teenagers can be a tricky task, but also incredibly rewarding. In the previous article, we looked at two things parents of teenagers need to stop doing: stop hurrying & stop pushing. In this post, we’ll focus on two things they need to start doing: start paying attention & start letting go.
Start Paying Attention
One of my favourite authors on relationships, communication, and boundaries is Danny Silk, author of Keep Your Love On & Loving Our Kids on Purpose. His down-to-earth and practical advice for anyone trying to improve their relationships with others, or simply get out of an unhealthy pattern of connecting, is something I refer to often in my own life.
One of the core principles Danny stresses repeatedly in his books is the importance of building a strong connection. If we don’t have a strong connection, as soon as we get into an argument or the stress level begins to rise, the relationship will fall apart. In this sense, the first thing someone should do when they notice their relationship is being threatened in some way is to rebuild and strengthen the connection. Whether the issue is between us and our teenager, our spouse, a coworker, or a friend, we all seem to make the same fatal relationship mistake: we try to deal with the issue before reestablishing connection. When we do this, the relational bond between us and the other person isn’t strong enough to handle the strain of dealing with the issue, and the relationship is damaged as a result.
Instead, we want to focus on keeping the connection strong enough to handle the inevitable disagreements or conflicts that will come our way. We can do this through simple but consistent gestures of care, which produces comfort and joy within the other person. Here are some common behavioural examples:
Actively listening (e.g. appropriate eye contact, nodding along, verbal cues)
Welcoming body language (e.g. smiling, looking interested, not crossing your arms, leaning towards the person)
Showing interest and curiosity with questions and tone of voice (instead of judgement)
Responding to the other persons explicit and implicit requests for comfort and help
Seems fairly basic—right?
On the surface, not much is required to build and maintain connection with others—even teenagers. However, when a large disconnect (and emotional pain) exists within the relationship, it will take time to repair. Reestablishing connection does not happen overnight, so we need to be patient.
You can start by taking an interest in your teen’s life—just don’t be nosey or judgemental. Ask questions and allow them the opportunity to respond, without it turning into an interrogation (Remember: if you ask them about what’s going on, you need to be able to handle hearing what’s going on—even if it’s not what you want to hear).
Another important part of this is allowing your teenager to choose whether they trust you enough to respond to your attempts at connection. If they don’t want to spend time with you or answer your curious questions, you can simply say, “That’s okay. I don’t want you to feel forced to connect with me. I’m sorry if I’ve made it seem like that before. But I am interested, and I want you to know that I’m here to listen.” If you are concerned about their wellbeing and you are not the person they want to talk to about things, encourage them to connect with someone they will want to talk to (e.g. older sibling, teacher, pastor, counsellor).
Responsiveness is also very important in relationships. People need to know that the relationship they are investing in will be there when they need it most. This can be difficult for parents of teenagers because they fear (or actually are) being manipulated by their child. You can be responsive and have boundaries at the same time. Being responsive doesn’t mean that you have to do whatever your child asks of you, or swoop in to “save the day” every time a crisis arises. All that is required of you is to show compassion and a genuine desire to help as best as you can—and at times, this will mean maintaining clear and consistent boundaries around certain family or personal values that you will not allow to be compromised in your home.
(As a sidenote… if you’re having serious issues setting boundaries with your teenager, or it seems that your attempts at setting boundaries are not helping you reestablish connection, it is a great time to seek the help and support of a counsellor.)
When we show kids that we genuinely care about them, the things they are interested in, and what’s going on in their lives, we can establish firm relational foundations that will withstand the shaking of the teenage years.
Start Letting Go
The last point for us to look at is an invitation for parents into a much more peaceful way of life. I’m not talking about a yoga retreat or meditating with our legs crossed. I’m talking about letting go of trying to control things that are not yours to control—first and foremost of which is our kids.
We don’t get to control other people. This is a simple fact of life and relationships, yet it is often so hard for us to accept. When I’m working with folks trying to improve their relationships, I often hear a lot of “they” and “them,” and not enough “I” and “me.” Parents that try to resolve issues in their relationship with their teenager by changing their child’s behaviour usually get nowhere—or worse, the blaming and controlling creates a deeply damaged connection between parent and child, which takes a lot of work to repair.
The teenage stage of life is filled with questions about identity, and identity is most significantly formed in the context of relationships. As such, teens are often trying to distinguish or “unblend” themselves from their most significant relationships (e.g. parents and caregivers) to answer the question, “Apart from them… who am I? Am I someone of significance? Do I have worth and value? Do others recognize my worth and value?” To answer these questions, teenagers will do whatever they need to set themselves apart from their parents and demonstrate their power and significance. In a healthy family context, parents will have been empowering their child to become a unique and powerful person from a young age, so that when that child becomes a teenager, the unblending process doesn’t look like antisocial or dangerous behaviour. However, if children enter the teen years with major questions about the core components of their identity (e.g. core values and boundaries), they will rebel against their parent’s rules, expectations, and values—not necessarily because they disagree with the family rules, but because they desperately want to become their own person at any cost.
If you find yourself in the camp of parents that didn’t invest in empowering their children and helping them form a stable identity while they were young, don’t worry—you’re not alone! I only shared the psychology behind what’s going on to provide some context for the solution. Let’s look at what parents of teenagers can do to help.
It all boils down to one thing: let go of control and switch to being an influencer.
Being an “influencer” means that you are teaching your teen to think about issues using ethics and values to guide the conversation. Parents with influence don’t need to control the outcome because they are confident that by being part of the decision-making process, their child will arrive at a conclusion that will satisfy everyone’s needs in the relationship. Just to be clear—I’m not talking about manipulating or “guilt-tripping.” I’m talking about genuinely helping your teen to make decisions, and being there to help them if the plan backfires. Empowering your teen to make these decisions is an important skill they will need later in life—so why not let them practice while you’re still present to influence them?
Allow your teen to make decisions for themselves. Help them to think about the risks and benefits behind their choices—but ultimately, let them choose what they want to do.
This is not to say, however, that you are not allowed to set firm boundaries. If your teen chooses something that is fundamentally wrong or dangerous (e.g. driving home after a party you know will have alcohol present), then you should set a clear limit and explain why—but still help them come up with another solution you both can live with (e.g. maybe you can be okay with them going to the party, but you will come pick them up, or you will give them money for a taxi).
Parents, I’m inviting you into a new way of relating to your teenager. One where you are free from the stress of making every single decision in your teen’s life. One where you’re no longer carrying the burden of your teen’s (possibly) reckless choices. One where your teen gets to be an “adult-in-progress,” bearing the weight of responsibility that goes along with that freedom. I’m inviting you to let go of control, and to take up the responsibility of influencing your teenager with consistent love and respect. It might not be an easy transition for you to make, but I’m confident that this change will significantly improve the health and wellbeing of your whole family.
So… how do I get my teenager to like me?
Stop hurrying, stop pushing, start paying attention, start letting go. I cannot promise that these four points will change your life or your family, but I do believe that putting them into practice will strengthen your relationships, especially with your teenager.
If you missed the first part of this blog post, make sure you check it out here.
If you or your family is struggling with conflict, tension, or out-of-control/extreme behaviour, please consider reaching out for a free consultation. I’d be glad to discuss with you our options for counselling services or make a referral to other trusted counsellors.
