The Best Tool for Couples Struggling with Conflict
In my work with people over the years, I’ve noticed one common pattern that seems to derail even the best efforts at building and maintaining healthy relationships. It goes something like this:
One person has a need or notices a problem, and they try to communicate this need or problem to their partner.
Their partner feels threatened or attacked, so they get defensive or withdraw.
The person that brought up the issue in the first place then feels hurt or frustrated that their partner didn’t respond how they wanted them to, and they typically push more aggressively to get the response they are looking for.
The conflict continues to escalate from here…
As common as this cycle of interaction is—it is also avoidable and easily corrected.
Slow it Down
The first thing we need to do is slow down. Easier said than done, slowing down gives us time to communicate what we are intending to communicate, and to listen to our partner and process our emotions before we respond. It is normal to feel uncomfortable or even threatened in difficult conversations—but healthy relationships can only be maintained if we work to manage our internal levels of anxiety and stress to stay positively engaged in the conversation.
In my couples counselling sessions, people get familiar with me saying, “Hold on. Let’s slow this down.” At first, this can feel jarring or even frustrating for some, but eventually people appreciate what I am offering them and their relationship by doing this. As we slow things down, people start to notice things in what their partner is saying or doing that they hadn’t noticed before, or they begin to realize their own emotional reactions that they were otherwise unaware of.
Feeling Wheel, CC BY-SA 4.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0>, via Wikimedia Commons
From the Office to Your Home
As couples begin to navigate difficult conversations in the therapy office, they gradually realize it is much harder to do the same at home. Although clients and I have joked about this in the past… I cannot (nor do I want to) go to your home to remind you and your partner to “slow down” when trying to communicate.
In place of this obviously uncomfortable situation, I offer couples one of my favourite relationship tools: the Feelings Wheel. (You can download one for free from Calm.com)
I use feelings wheels a bit differently than others in my therapeutic work, so I will outline how I encourage couples to use one at home to help them and their partner improve their communication.
What is a Feelings Wheel?
First of all, let me share a bit about what a feelings wheel is. Emotions are complex, making it difficult at times to pinpoint exactly what we're experiencing. A feelings wheel serves as a valuable tool for unraveling this complexity, helping people identify and express their emotions with greater clarity and insight.
The inner-most ring includes “primary” or “core” emotions. These emotions are fairly easy for most people to identify and differentiate. However, as you move towards the outer ring, the emotions become more descriptive and precise. When we are trying to identify and communicate our emotions to others, we want to be as clear as possible.
The “Counsellor” on Your Fridge
For the couples I work with, I give them a feelings wheel to take home, and I encourage them to put it somewhere they both can easily access it. The kitchen refrigerator is a good place for most people.
I teach couples to recognize when their conversation is starting to escalate in an unhealthy way, and to then slow things down. Just as I do in a couples counselling session, the feelings wheel can help couples to slow down and better communicate and listen to their partner. The first person to notice the tension increasing in the conversation pauses and grabs the feelings wheel from the fridge. The couple then takes a moment to sit down and try having the conversation differently, using the feelings wheel.
Show Your Path
One of the great things with feelings wheels is that you can visually show your path to the emotion you are feeling and want to communicate to your partner. Start in the middle of the circle and work your way outwards, picking the emotion that fits best with how you are feeling. As you do this, trace your finger on the page, showing your partner how you got to the emotion you intend to communicate.
This can be very helpful because it gives your partner much more information about what you are feeling, without you needing to put it all into words just yet.
“I” Statements
Once you are ready to talk with each other again, start by using “I” statements to share how you are presently feeling. An “I” statement is different from a “you” statement in that it focuses the attention on what is going on inside of you—rather than blaming your partner for how you are feeling. For example, saying, “I feel worried right now,” is much more effective and less likely to provoke conflict than, “You make me anxious.”
“I” statements are less judgmental and draw out the best in our partner by allowing them a glimpse into what is going on inside of us.
Don’t Over Complicate Things
One of the pitfalls couples find themselves in is trying to move too quickly through this process. Notice in the above example that I didn’t share anything more than the feeling of worry or anxiety? That is intentional, because most couples in conflict are unable to empathetically connect with the rationale for why someone is feeling a certain emotion. Often the reason for the emotion comes across as a justification or accusation, causing the anxiety and tension to continue to build.
Start by simply communicating back and forth how you are each feeling.
Take Turns
When trying this out, make sure each person gets a turn as the one sharing and the one listening. Decide who will share first and who will share second. When it is your turn to listen, make sure you do a good job of actively listening to your partner. Paraphrasing or reflecting back what you hear your partner saying is often helpful for ensuring you understand what is going on inside of them.
Remember: the goal is to reduce the tension in the conversation, and understanding and responding to your partner’s emotions will do just that.
I often encourage couples, if things are going well, to try doing more back-and-forths, sharing “I” statements about how they are feeling or even how they are feeling about their partner’s emotional response. The more practice you get, the better you will become—eventually not even needing the feelings wheel in front of you to slow things down and communicate clearly what it is you are feeling in the conversation.
It’s a Good Start
Of course, there is much more to repairing relationships that have been hurt by conflict and repeated failed attempts at connection. But starting by slowing things down and using a feelings wheel to mediate your conversation can be a great start. If you and your partner are wanting more help with your relationship, feel free to connect with us for a free consultation to learn more about the services we offer.
