The Seven Pillars of Healthy Relationships

When it comes to building lasting relationships, Danny Silk’s book Keep Your Love On is a game-changer. It is easily the most recommended book by counsellors at SoulSoothe!

One of the concepts from the book is the “The Seven Pillars of Healthy Relationships” that strengthen and maintain healthy connections. These aren’t just abstract ideas—they’re practical, life-changing principles that can transform how we relate to others. Today, I’ll walk you through each pillar and share strategies for strengthening them.

The Foundation: Unconditional Acceptance

Before we even touch the pillars, let’s talk about the foundation: unconditional acceptance. Healthy relationships begin with the agreement that both people get to be themselves—no controlling, no manipulating, no trying to mold each other into “perfect” versions.

If you find yourself thinking, “I could fix this person,” or feeling like you need to change who you are to please them, stop right there. That’s shaky ground, my friend.

How to Strengthen the Foundation:

• Pay Attention to Your Thoughts: Are you mentally nitpicking the other person or yourself? Redirect those thoughts to focus on what you appreciate.

• Affirm Individuality: Say things like, “I love how you see the world differently than I do.”

• Let Go of Perfection: Embrace the quirks and imperfections—they’re part of what makes people unique.

1. The Pillar of Love

Love is more than a feeling; it’s a commitment to value someone and care for their well-being in a way that makes them feel safe and connected. True love is mutual—it’s not about one person doing all the giving while the other takes.

How to Strengthen Love:

• Focus on Giving and Receiving: Ask, “How can I make this person feel valued today?” Then, notice how they’re showing love to you, too.

• Communicate Needs: Express your feelings openly and listen to theirs without judgment.

• Be Intentional: Small gestures—like a kind note or a thoughtful favor—go a long way in building connection.

2. The Pillar of Honour

Honour is about recognizing the worth in others and choosing to empower them. It’s tested when we encounter differences. Healthy people honour those differences instead of trying to erase or minimize them.

How to Strengthen Honour:

• Seek to Understand: When someone has a different opinion or habit, ask, “What can I learn from their perspective?”

• Celebrate Their Strengths: Tell them what you admire about their uniqueness.

• Practice Adjustment: Be willing to adjust your approach to accommodate their needs or preferences without losing yourself.

3. The Pillar of Self-Control

Healthy relationships are built by “powerful people,” as Danny calls them—individuals who manage their own actions, emotions, and goals without blaming or manipulating others.

How to Strengthen Self-Control:

• Follow Through: If you say you’ll do something, do it. It builds trust and shows reliability.

• Communicate Assertively: Use clear, kind language to express your needs and boundaries.

• Own Your Choices: Resist the urge to blame others for how you feel or what you do.

4. The Pillar of Responsibility

Responsibility is about owning your half of the relationship. You’re not accountable for the other person’s reactions, but you are responsible for how your actions impact them.

How to Strengthen Responsibility:

• Apologize and Repair: When you mess up, say sorry and take steps to make it right.

• Address Conflict Head-On: Don’t “ghost” people or give vague reasons for disconnecting—be honest and respectful.

• Stay Present: Instead of running away from discomfort, lean into hard conversations with a willingness to work things out.

5. The Pillar of Truth

Truth-telling is the glue of trust. When we withhold our true thoughts and feelings, relationships become shaky. Honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable, creates a safe space for intimacy and connection.

How to Strengthen Truth:

• Speak Up Early: If something’s bothering you, address it sooner rather than later.

• Be Transparent: Share your needs and boundaries clearly.

• Encourage Openness: Let the other person know you value their honesty, even if it’s tough to hear.

6. The Pillar of Faith

Faith, in the context of relationships, isn’t just about spirituality (though that’s part of it). It’s about trusting that your core needs will be met, not through desperation or manipulation, but through healthy dynamics and a reliance on God.

How to Strengthen Faith:

• Build Inner Security: Spend time nurturing your relationship with yourself and your faith in God.

• Avoid Shortcuts: Resist the urge to settle for connections that only meet short-term needs.

• Practice Forgiveness: Forgive others—and yourself—when mistakes happen.

7. The Pillar of Vision

Vision is about having a sense of purpose and direction for your life. Healthy relationships happen when two people with aligned visions come together to create something greater.

How to Strengthen Vision:

• Clarify Your Goals: What are your dreams, values, and mission in life? Write them down.

• Discuss Compatibility: In romantic relationships, talk about how your visions align or differ.

• Support Their Dreams: Cheer them on in their pursuits and celebrate their wins.

Let’s Get to Work!

So, there you have it—seven pillars that hold up a healthy, thriving relationship. If you’re feeling like one of these is a little shaky in your life, don’t stress! Growth is a process. Relationships aren’t about being perfect; they’re about showing up, learning, and loving better every day.

Here’s my challenge to you: pick one pillar to focus on this week. Whether it’s honouring boundaries, speaking truth in love, or practicing self-control, take small steps to strengthen that area. And remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Lean on trusted friends, mentors, and God to guide you along the way.

Let’s keep building strong, love-filled relationships, one pillar at a time.